Comments : Sapphire Like Smile

  • 14 years ago

    by Nee

    "Sapphire like smile
    Lights my heart on fire

    Inspire my imagination
    With your sweet whispers of desire"
    -I liked the first line as a beginning, though it could've been better. I find it interesting that you actually rhymed three words together, not two, "fire" and "desire, and I guess you rhymed "inspire" spontaneously :) .
    The last line I would remove the word "sweet" from it, for it flaws the syllable count..and it's not very necessary to the line.

    "Shine your beauty
    Upon my sole for eternity"
    - Did you mean "soul" ? because I kind of think that "sole" isn't the right word here.

    -The ending was a bit cliche, you could've ended it in a better catchy way..See that's why I don't usually read love poems here..try to invent something new in the closure.

    Other than that I see the poem good, you need some strong wording, but your writing wasn't at all bad :)
    Write on~