Comments : Once

  • 10 years ago

    by Blissful

    I'm just going to jump right into it Skye. But first of all I loved the title. I think it fit it quite nicely.

    "The type of tales"
    ^Loved the alliteration.

    "That made your head spin.
    He drew you in"
    ^I loved the rhyme cause it was subtle.

    "His hands were the masters"
    ^You don't need the "the"

    "That dwelled atop the baby grand in the corner"
    ^Loved your use of the word "dwelled"

    "[Ma'am? I don't mean to interrupt,
    But all I wanted to know was whether
    Or not you could identify the body.]"
    ^OMG SKYE! WHAT A TRANSITION. I loved it. It came out of nowhere but was really effective. Now I can see where the poem is going and honestly it just breaks my heart...

    "We grew up in the same house.
    Shared the same parents.
    Slept in the same room.
    A dream now, it seems like."
    ^You dont need the "like"

    Skye the ending was so amazing! What a story you told! Wow I was captivated from beginning to end. You should honestly be really proud of this piece. You took me on a jorney with your words and although it was sad, there was beauty behind your words. I loved the tone in which you wrote in...the style you chose was also quite effective in getting your message across.

    All in all this is a piece you should be proud of!

    I think I have one more vote left and if I do...then its yours!

    Well done!


  • 10 years ago

    by Dark Savior

    I honestly think that it does better without the explanations that you give. it's truly something that you don't need to do.

    i appreciate your work for what it is without the little hints.

    It's a very well done poem and think that it's really good. It's sort of has a cold and harsh tone to it almost as if you'd been scorned one too many times by this specific person.

    Life is too short to live hating a person. They can only control you if you give them control.

  • 10 years ago


    Holy crap, Skye.
    This is going straight on to my favourites, I just couldn't look away. As I was reading it my own brother was calling me, the dog barking and I seemed to just fade in to a world of my own, your own. Snickerdoodaa. That was amaaazing.

    "Yes, I knew him once.
    At least...
    I thought I did."
    `While reading it, from start to finish, I was glued.
    I loved the opening, it reminds me of an old film, in black and white, where you begin to think in to your memories, and we follow you in to your thoughts. I love your thoughts, you have some talent girl.

    "You know -
    He wasn't always like this."
    `Its like you're speaking to the reader,
    reassuring them that beneath whatever lies there now that there was a genuine person whom you loved, once.

    The third, stanza so to speak, made me smile.
    Reminds me of my brother. I'd say its my favourite stanza, before the happy memories turn to a sad reality.

    Your repetition of once also fitted perfect.
    Some people can't pull repetition off, but you nailed it.

    "And if you'd let him,
    He could transform your world
    Into something you never knew you wanted
    Or knew you could have."
    `One thing, I think to keep the flow so perfect "ever" after could would fit well. But its fine without it, just something I picked up on.
    Because the previous line was longer than the others, follwoing it with such a short line seemsa bit blunt. You're recreating a fairytale for us, before it went bad, so I think its better to keep it soft and simple. (:

    I loved how you brought in another person to break your train of thoughts, snap you back to reality and the situation at hand. Again, like a black and white detective film. But also, it creates a sad atmosphere and the reader starts to feel the grief in the poem. Not grief for the deceased, but grief for the man who died long before.

    "Sigh. Yes, I'm sure.
    I knew him once, after all.
    At least...
    I thought I did.

    `Excellent ending, my dear. Fantastic.
    I just had to read this out loud,
    it made it all so much more..real. Frightening.

    I really really love this.
    I loved your style, how the flow was perfect
    and in no way forced. My heart was in my throat reading this, like a novel you just can't put down. Intense.

    You kick a lot of ass. (:

    Side note--
    as hysteria said above me, this is kind of like a lament but not for the death of your brother, but for the death of who he used to be.

  • 2 years ago

    by gumshuda

    I have shivers running down my spine, in both a good and bad way. It's been extremely long since I read such a powerful piece.
    If it's true I'm really sorry for your loss.
    Keep writing