Comments : Open Hearts

  • 14 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    As often as I thought,
    That we could go with our hearts,
    That was the day you came,
    And nothing was ever the same.

    *I like how you started this. It's simple, but it makes me want to know how things changed.*

    As the days turned to weeks,
    I was no longer able to seek,
    So you came in and stole my heart,
    That's when things fell apart.

    *The second line bothers me a little. You say you weren't ale to "seek". Well what were you seeking in the first place. I would change that to "see" It doesn't end with a "k" but it still rhymes and makes a little more sense. But other than that I liked this stanza.*

    We fought and yelled at each other,
    Cause we really didn't love one another,
    Now as often as I thought,
    That we could go with open hearts.

    *You ending wasn't as strong as I would have liked it to be, but I like how you ended it how you started it. That was clever and also effective. I love the style and the diction was good too. Keep it up. Nik*