Comments : I, lied

  • 14 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    'I asked here you married'
    `I have no idea what you are saying? Did you mean to say.. 'I asked her, "are you married?" - Not a good way to start a poem with confusion :x

    Capitolize all i's.. not just a random few.

    This poem was full of emotion and feeling but other than that.. I didnt think it was your best write.. I think theres some fixing up you can do with this one. It wasnt exactly a crystal clear poem to me. But good attempt. (: Sorry if this comes across as a harsh comment just trying to give you honest feedback.

  • 14 years ago

    by The Prince

    I find the narrative here to be clumsy, forced and too deliberate to sound poetic.

    'I asked her are you married
    you were the ones who lied
    when the day I found out I cried'

    You might benefit from punctuation here, but the meaning would still be off with it anyway. The last line is worded wrong, if you read a sentence like, it's grammatically incorrect. Also you address 'I asked 'her'' then revert to a plural and another type of addressal of 'you'.

    Your rhyme disturbs this piece a lot, 'I as well lied' being a forced example. You also deliver this far too plainly, you repeat 'lie' too much (we get it) you don't need to spoonfeed us.

    'this open booth'

    is telling, what open booth? Show the reader.

    Also if you're planning on a rhyme scheme, make it consistent, what we have here is random rhyme and most (if not all) of it is forced and unnatural.

    You can probably do a lot better than this. The deliveration, meaning and phrasing is off.

  • 14 years ago

    by Nobodys Hero

    Quite harsh comments above there ¬¬
    I think its quite good, poetry is always a good way of venting all your emotions =]
    The flow is very good and the structure works well, A nice job