Comments : Be My Charmer

  • 14 years ago

    by Love Panda

    I have open scars from long ago,
    Even if they don't show.
    Their from now on apart of the show.

    I hold my head up high
    Even when people stair.
    When ever i look around
    your never 'TRUELY' there...

    Id hold my breath
    If i could breathe.
    I feel 'SO' close to death'S 'BREEZE'.
    Someone save me 'PLEASE'.

    I lay on the floor three years ago.
    Lay on my back fear in my eyes wont go.
    >>THEESE 2 LINES SEEMS FORCED<<

    A tear streaked face covers the fear,
    Long ago yet the pain seems clear.
    >>LOVE THEESE 2 LINES THE MOST<<

    I pray to myself i wish my most sought after wish.>>THIS LINE SEEMS TO BE A LITTLE LONG FOR THE 2ND TO MATCH<<
    I wish for my angel i wish for his kiss...

    They came and they went three guys to be exact.
    Yet none even close to a match.
    >>2ND LINE NEEDS ANOTHER WORD OR TWO, LAST WORD ON 2ND LINE COULD BE OVEREACT,INTERACT??<<

    I wished for my angel
    I wished for his love
    Eyes unlike Egypt,
    Wings like a dove's...
    >>LAST 2 LINES OF THIS STANZA DONT FIT AND SEEM TO BE THERE JUST TO FILL UP SPACE<<

    Bring me a knight in shining black armor
    Bring me a polite nice charmer.
    >>MAYBE GET RID OF THE WORD BLACK & SWOP POLITE & NICE AROUND<<

    ~all in all it's a good poem, with just a few minor adjustments it could be the perfect poem.

    I love theese two lines the most:

    A tear streaked face covers the fear,
    Long ago yet the pain seems clear.

    very well done.~

    IBE
    X