Comments : Forgetting to Exist, I Guess

  • 14 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    My heart, suffers,

    *I don' thtink you need a comma after "heart". I would hust write it as one full line.*

    intimately wired to the sun and the moon

    *This is a long line and I would make it shorter so that it's
    Intimately wired to the
    sun and the moon"
    That way it doesn't sick out from the rest if the poem.*

    drifting apart,
    my heart, ruptures,

    *Same thing with the comma here, seems fine without it.*

    all bloody need for you
    painting the sky;
    I whisper your name
    and collapse my heart,
    cease the blood flow into the atmosphere of grieving.

    *Another long line, I'd break this down. I felt you said very powerful things I would just work on the delivery. I love the iamgery though. I feel like I can feel your heart breaking.*

    Like shadows
    of stagnant love,
    cast across my breath,
    I need your light;
    breaking through bloody clouds,
    helping me exist.

    *Flawless stanza hun :) I felt everything was worded perfectly. I really enjoyed your piece. It was very emotional and so well written. I'd just work on those few things I pointed out. Overall a beautiful piece. Nik*