Comments : Gothic love

  • 13 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Master of deception
    Cunning in your lies

    *I would chnage this to "cunning with your lies" that sems to flow better to me*

    Thought you had me tricked
    But the truth was in your eye's

    *You don't need the apostrophe in "eyes"*

    Nothing left to say
    I've listened far too long
    You thought you had me broke

    *I didn't like how you said "broken" at the end. It sounds weird. If you're trying to rhyme I would maybe say

    "Nothing left to say
    I've listened for far too long
    You thought you could break me
    But my will is far to strong"

    That sounds better to me*

    Nothing left

    *I would change this, because you said it before*

    Head is down
    World consumed
    By the ground

    No way out
    I can't escape
    This brutal form
    Of vocal rape

    *I love this stanza. the didction here is used in such a clever and creative way :)*

    You'll never set me free
    Ensnared by my lust
    I'll never let you down
    But never will I trust

    *Another flawless stanza*

    Blackened is the sky
    A frown upon my face
    Hanging far to low
    Seem's you've pulled an ace

    *You don't need the apostrophe in "seems"*

    I let you break me down
    My submission's a disgrace
    My angel sent from hell
    I'll have another taste

    *Your ending was a little weird and you used the word "down alot' I would maybe go back and change that. Overall I thought you did a nice job with this. Just word on expressing yourself more clearly. Nice work. Nik :) *

  • 13 years ago

    by cory

    Thank's PS this is one of the most useful comment's I've ever received.I'll make the suggested changes right now. I knew this poem was incomplete and I somehow kept overlooking the obvious flaws.Thank's again you rock!! :^)

  • 13 years ago

    by divine divinity

    Superb. Such anguish in every word. Again flawless, works well on its own but a part two could be interesting.

  • 13 years ago

    by Em

    Flawless piece, 5/5. Em x

  • 13 years ago

    by Lena

    Cool! love it : )