Comments : Base Jumper

  • 14 years ago

    by oldthings

    Love the content, great topic,
    the third lines of the stanzas are also very enjoyable,
    only critism i have is in the last lines of the stanzas, they don't seem to flow as smoothly with the rest of the piece.
    its like after the shortness of the third line the jumping back to the length and rhyme of the first and second doesn't fit.

    Into the air, feet leave earthly ground
    Flying for a second, wind rushing blocks sound

    it took me a minute while reading this line to realize you meant the wind rushing drowned out the sound. once i did i liked it very much. that could just be my mind slow on the uptake or a need for punctuation or rewording.
    not sure.

    I liked the length of it, and the subject matter, the rhyme scheme was creative and i liked that as well, the last lines of the stanzas just seemed to take away from it for me.

    Overall very good. 4/5 from me. =)

    keep writing.