Comments : My Perfection

  • 14 years ago

    by dollwithafrown

    I enjoyed this quite a lot - it made me want to keep reading, despite it being very different from a so called "normal" poem. At times I couldn't help but feel you were kind of overdoing some parts, which got annoying. For example:

    "This and that
    And that this
    That this and
    This that And
    And This that
    That and This"

    ^^ You didn't need so many examples of this. We get the idea. The overuse could potentially insult the reader. Maybe if you shortened this down to three lines instead of the six?

    "Like the rain can fall
    Like the sun can shine
    Like the wind can gust
    Like the bells can chime
    Like the world can turn on an axis and shake as it crumbles together
    This is not a poem at all..."

    ^^ This part was my favourite. I also liked when you re-used the "Maybe it's not a poem at all..." line later on as well. It kept it interesting and I was eager to see where you were going with this.

    A very interesting read, just make sure you don't overdo things. Don't let your anger get in the way of you producing something amazing.