Comments : May satan have mercy on my soul

  • 12 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Rage burns in my mind.
    Fury grows in my heart.
    ^^^ Good reversal

    The sigh of you makes my whole day turn bad. (10)
    ^^^sight?

    When I hear your voice, I want to rip your voice box out and stomp it into the ground. (20)
    ^^^ Shorten this line: the previous line has 10 beats, this coupled line should somewhat match it
    Maybe:
    "Your voice! Rip out your larnyx and stomp it!" (10)

    When you look at me, I want to gouge your eyes out.
    ^^^ ditto, perhaps drop the "when you"

    You bring my anger to extreme levels. (10)
    I never hated someone so much or ever thought I could. (15)
    ^^^ ditto

    The thought of how much I hate you makes me tremble at my own fear. (16)
    You think this is something, you haven't seen anything yet. (14)

    These lines jumble clumsily. You should bring them into reach of each other.
    Good basic concept, and your execution is close to great.

  • 10 years ago

    by You Kill Me

    Thanks for the good feedback! It was one of my first poems and I will probably try to rewrite it :)