Comments : Your whimpers

  • 14 years ago

    by KJ

    Vrey good write. Nice way of showing your emotions toward your new found companion. Though, I have a few suggestions:

    "You were unexpected,
    but your here now resting.
    Your by your mother making whimpers,
    as i watch you through my window.
    your black fur all sleek and shining.
    Your beauty beaming at me, its blinding."

    'You were unexpected,
    but you are here now resting.
    You're by your mother, making whimpers;
    as I watch you through my window.
    Your black fur, sleek and shining;
    Your beauty beaming at me, it;s blinding.'
    ^^I just corrected a few of your grammar mistakes. Also, I added a couple of commas in a few areas, to create pauses and a better flow.

    "your newborn barks,
    Go straight to my heart.
    Your so small
    in comparison to other dogs
    your tiny clasw dig in your mom
    in urgentcy
    but I cant wait until you get bigger
    and you can walk on my leash."

    'Your newborn barks,
    it goes straight to my heart.
    You're so small
    in comparison to most dogs.
    Your tiny claws dig into your mom...
    in urgency.
    I can't wait until you get bigger,
    and you can walk beside me on a leash.'
    ^^I'm not trying to change your poem or anything. I just wanted to give a few pointers in order to create a better flow and also, to correct spelling/grammar.

    Overall, very nice write.