Comments : Pensive firmament

  • 9 years ago

    by Sylvia

    A few suggestions would be to drop the word The in the first line and drop the word my in the second line of verse 1. Perhaps the last line of verse 1 should read obscuring a daybreak.

    Example:
    Vapor sacks
    dwelling places of clairvoyant thoughts
    obscuring a daybreak

    Those suggestions are simply my opinions. Overall, I find the poem well written, nice images of the path with flowers and trees, the rain fresh and the sounds of rain are done well. The last verse seems out of place when added to the other verses, an abrut change to the theme of the others.

  • 9 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    ^The vapor sacks
    dwelling places of my clairvoyant thoughts
    obscure a daybreak^

    Sylvia is right, The is an unnecessary filler word and doesn't take away anything from the piece if you remove it.

    The structure is quite distracting. The second line is too long and the other stanzas are not consistent- you have 3 lines, 4 lines, no apparent pattern. I would suggest something like:

    ~Vapor sacks
    dwelling places
    of clairvoyant thoughts
    obscure a daybreak

    my muse
    saunters along a path
    elms, pines, rhododendrons
    weighty early morning showers

    the rain - can you find a better word than the to describe the rain? Here you have a chance to be consistent with your vivid, picture painting imagery.~ If you just add one word then all the stanzas so far will have the first line having 2 words with 2 or 3 syllables which also makes the piece flow better.
    drips
    plops
    spills

    ~okay then you have 3 one word lines. this is what I mean about the structure. Can't you find a couple more words to add about the same length as the lines in the other stanzas?

    a kite trills - a isn't necessary
    flies to its vantage-point
    feeds on a night's carcass - I didn't understand this metaphor. It doesn't fit with the rest of the piece and add another line so this stanza will have 4 lines.

    Just a few suggestions. I think you have a nice foundation but it needs a little tweaking.

  • 8 years ago

    by Sungrl And Mrs Whatsit

    Perfect.