Comments : Rainbows Made by Machines

  • 12 years ago

    by Beautiful Chaos

    I thought this was brilliant, I don't know why you never got any comments on it, I would nominate it if it was new. I won't even attempt to offer advice, I would not change a thing, I thought it was a great read. Kudos

  • 12 years ago

    by WonderingSpiritDiaries

    Wonderful poem. There is a rhythm in this Poem that sounded great. I really liked the poem from beginning to end. The title fits perfectly with the poem. I keep reading it over and over and I can't find anything wrong with it. Great work 5/5.

  • 12 years ago

    by Narphangu

    Your words and works are like
    Rainbows,
    But artificial

    I love the line spacing here... Rainbows, so unusual but interesting, then immediately contrasted with "artificial"... interesting. It's an excellent way to start a poem. I wonder at your capitalization, sometimes it seems like you're emphasizing words, but then you capitalize "made" and "blithely" and I start to wonder.
    I wish you broke the poem up a bit more. Full paragraph spaces around important phrases and words. Sunshine, for example. I think it would make the piece a bit more visually accessible, but it would also make some of your really gorgeous word choices stand out.

    Your smile is like the sunshine
    That permeates the fog
    Made by Machines
    On a floor made for dancing
    And weaving the lies

    Smile like sunshine that permeates the fog... lovely, peaceful, natural. ...And then, "Made by Machines" twists the image into something uncomfortable and awkward... like the juxtoposition of machine and nature. I think this section had the best flow.

    But I'm not mechanical
    I'm cryogenic
    And you?
    You're a trainset
    That rolls down the street,
    And out the door.

    So unusual. So intriguing. I don't even know what cryogenic means... I'll have to look that one up. But mostly, I think the concept of referring to someone as a trainset is fantastic. Unexpected, but so descriptive.

    And around, around, around
    In a circle on the floor

    Here, just going over it with a comb, I suppose I wonder about the circle on the floor, after you've said the train goes down the street and out the door. Nice repetition, though.

    And the rainbows you try to be
    Are like the oils
    That drip
    Blithely,
    From Machines.

    Aaannnndd, this. Right here, this is what makes this poem so excellent. Line spacing, word choice, concept. Lovely, lovely, wonderful, awesome, simple, subtle, and deep.

    So. Over the whole poem, I think you can see that I really liked it. My only suggestions would be to consider some more drastic line spacing, and to choose your capitals... maybe loose all punctuation? Hmm. Style it as you choose.

  • 12 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Wow, this piece is amazing. I am deffinatly a fan of this