I didn't really feel that much emotion coming through, and I think the flow, at times, was sticky and awkward.

I think, and you can take this or not, that every line should have a purpose, a reason to be, and not just to rhyme or take up space ( that's not what I'm saying yours does). I think, by doing this, your piece will become much stonger, in power and emotion.

I do apologise if it seems like I'm being patronising. that's not my intention.

Brad

P.S. Please comment and vote on all the poems you read.