Comments : Coffin of Hope

  • 13 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    *You have a deep piece but the whole rhyme takes away from that. I just have a few things I would change to make this a better piece.*

    A self-fullfilling prophecy consumes my mind.
    A growing discomfort grinds my find.

    *" A self-fullfilling prophecy
    consumes me--
    a growing discomfort
    dissolves my find."

    This way you keep your idea just with a different form and a little more meaning.*

    The bind of my body unwinds in kind.

    *I really liked this line but for some reason I want to change "bind" to "bend"*

    Blind; I signed this contract with the Pope.
    Confined now to a Coffin of Hope.

    * Instead of a semicolon after "blind" I would just put it on a line alone. I think the word blind means a lot in this sense and the rest of the poem takes away from it's meaning. So putting it alone makes people see that it's an important word and an even more important line. Overall I liked the message of this poem. Again very creative and interesting. -Nik*