I didn't feel gripped by this piece. It didn't even feel like you were connected with what you were saying. It felt like there words were struggerling to go together, as opposed to just melting into each other. I also felt that perhaps some of your lines had either too many, or too few words. Take your opening line for example. I feel that if you were to extend it with just a word or two, it was balance better with the second line, an enhance the flow.

Brad

P.S. Please comment and vote honestly on every poem you read