Comments : Swiftly

  • 13 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I'd break the poem up as follows -

    'I am drafted to your scent,
    far past dusk's arrival,
    into my liquid-absorbing
    pieces of mind[;]
    I call your voice
    to indulge on my skin,
    writing and weaving
    destined rhythms
    for our romance-
    an exercise unpracticed,
    deemed incompatible
    with the natural flow
    of desire's air,

    yet you mate words
    not for present reference
    but future engagements.

    Through lulling life
    you draw out the title
    of this addition to love-
    a fifth season unable
    to be marked humanly;
    [for] it speaks in whispers
    not scientific symbols,
    the archaic breeze itself,
    fragrant with perpetuity.'

    I added a few things in brackets too, just some suggestions.

    I think the flow could also be a bit better here, try to use words such as 'for' or 'yet' to brings some lines together, that's what I normally do in my writing, that is if it works and makes sense.

    You have some lovely thoughts going however, some great emotion portrayed. The ending is astounding, probably my favorite lines I've heard in a very long time, they had so much originality in them! I think your structure needs more work but the content is excellent as is!

  • 13 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Oops, perhaps a period after 'mind' would be better, and start a new stanza with "I call..." ?