Comments : Suicide letter

  • 12 years ago

    by Jenni

    I go in the bathroom, I lock the door,
    my soul is broken, my heart is torn,
    can't take this lifestyle anymore,
    my legs are weak, my arms are soar.

    ^ I suggest you to change "go in" to "enter", you keep the same amount of syllables but I think it sounds better. Also I'd recommend you to switch the third and fourth verse because the reader picked up a specific rythm that gets interrupted and then picked up again, which may be better in a different way.

    I grab the razor, point it at my neck,
    I push down hard, I'm an emotional wreck,
    spilling red, it looks like paint,
    every drop, makes me more faint,

    ^ There is nothing to complain about in this stanza in my opinion. Flow and rhyme are really good and the commas underline the dramatic situation as it helps the reader to read this poem fluently yet the tension increseas.

    Memories flashing in my head,
    everything I done, everything I said,
    I thought suicide would make it all better,
    I even topped it off with a suicide letter.

    ^ Exchange done with did and everything would be fine. Also keep in mind to capitalize the "I"s. I liked how you came back to the title in this stanza mentioning the suicide letter again.

    The topic you've dealt with is a bit usual yet you created a poem that is not like what I read before. Your choice of words seemed to fit and helped me, as the reader, to imagine what you told. All in all this is a good piece that describes the situation quite well.

  • 12 years ago

    by Jenna Bella Oldridge

    This poem really stood out to me because it reminded me of myself a few years ago when my BPD was at it worst. I am sorry you going through this and having suicidal thoughts and feelings I just hope you can push through and get to place where you feel more at ease.

    excellent poem 5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Emmanuel Pineda

    I like it. Very powerful. Nice job.