Comments : Behind locked doors

  • 9 years ago

    by Jenni

    I think that the title is quite good because everybody is curious to know what happens behind closed doors, it's the feeling of wanting to know really badly. That's why the title is definately eye-catching, I'd recommend you to remove "the" though because it would sound better without.

    How soon we forget,
    the promises we swore(the tears made them so real),
    the everlasting love.

    ^ You might want to think about moving that sentence in brackets into the next line, it'd look better and flow better like that. I think that the message of this is really powerful and everybody can relate to this. It is definately a nice stanza to begin with.

    I have to admit that I do not think that the second and third stanza flow really well but it's alright.

    aliens now to each other we are,
    the memories,so forgotten,so blurry,
    only saddness,only darkness rules;
    and disturbing silence,
    behind the locked doors

    ^ I really like the image of "aliens" because it shows that you two are unknown now, strangers. It's definately a strong image. I think you used too many commas in this stanza though.

    Overall I think this is a good poem with strong feelings.

  • 9 years ago

    by Cinnamonspice

    I was going to give you stanza by stanza commenst but Jenni caught all the suggestions I would have had.

    You penned strong emotions and I think if you edit as Jenni has suggested it will be much better.

    xox Connie

  • 9 years ago

    by The Po whet

    Thanx to you guys,hope now it is much better.