I think you have a good mind for poems but this is choppy and hard to follow. Try smoothing the edges, let your pen flow over the words. Keep it up ...

The title is somewhat vague and doesn't tell too much, but exactly that wanted me to figure out more so that's why I came across your poem. I have to agree with TJ that you might think about editing it a little because it doesn't flow too well, which does make it tough to read and to follow. Your original idea is good and definately captivating, but you should probably present it in a better way. I have to admit that the emotions were there and that I am glad I read it, though it's not perfect, but what is?