Comments : You

  • 12 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Let me start by saying the title felt old. I've read pieces with the same name so many times I cant even count.

    The little moment of silence when he stares at me
    When He looks at me and says I love You
    I miss him more than words can say
    But unfortunately nothing I can do
    To take this pain away

    ^^This stanza is a good start for a poem that has a bit of story to it, excellent. Thank you. You are pulling the reader in, because they cant stop at just this little bit.

    Another moment with him I wish
    Another whisper on my ear or kiss
    How much I miss him he doesn't know
    He's the only one that can take me away from this sorrow

    ^^This shows his "power" that he possess with you and how strong of an influence he can make. However if you were attempting to rhyme this stanza your attempts were not very strong.

    His Hug is like a shield
    Nobody will hurt me and nobody ever will
    He is my warrior, my soldier, my prince
    The one that will defend me and keep me away
    From all the bad things

    ^^ Stunning! We get description of this dude you claim to love. Thank you. If a poem is telling a story it must have description somewhere!! If not it is missing a key element in engulfing the readers.

    But we're far away from each other
    2000 miles or more
    I don't even know anymore
    But still I will never let you go
    I'll fight for you until the end
    I'll fight for you until my last breath

    ^^Strong end. Great job. I love how you say that and I love the flow here. You have done an excellent job closing the piece and yet still making it relatible for a lot of people.

    I think over all your word choice fit in with the piece, however it was not an exciting element in the piece. I am glad that you had description because that was helpful to visualize how this love is going. I think the beginning was interesting and the end wrapped up all the threads you started. The flow was great, nothing to improve there.

    4/5

    MRK

  • 12 years ago

    by Yrem Crish

    You describe clearly your feeling in this poem..sweet and very romantic of you that everything you count on for your love..i like the way you describe in the first and second stanza something a "climax" they called that pulled the readers to be excited to read your poem...i really enjoy those parts..but, the ending is something not totally "took my hills up.."however you have a great potential and i really appreciate your poem..it is also great and amazing..keep always writing on and on..i may also is not a good one but just trying my best to write one..hehe...god bless:=)

  • 12 years ago

    by Alexandra Jozelia

    Haha, Thank You very much <3