Its a very good idea for a poem and u have a few good points, however, poetry doesnt have much rules, but there should be a little structure bro. This could be much better it u put a little bit of a situation on it. Right now its just a bunch of words thrown together, it looks like a club song. Its good, but it could be GREAT if u tweak it a little.

Id have to agree with the guy who posted above me. while there is something powerfull there, and it gets across a general feeling, its not a feeling thats applied on anything and it relies too heavily on the reader to draw his own significance in the poem.

honestly though i think this could be a really good poem with some work.