Comments : What If

  • 7 years ago

    by Gone

    Aww that was such a cute poem :) Loved it! 5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Ohhhhhh i love this magical love poem... I can feel your desire of love shining through this elegant and creative love piece... very nice~

  • What if the land of Skyrim were real?

    ^^
    Question! Is 'Skyrim' a gaming-land?
    To me this beginning sounds as though it is mythical - it has everything to do with the 'Skyrim' comment - and you are questioning your reality or asking for dreams to come true..
    An interesting starting line.

    If you were lost I would walk over the land to find you

    ^^
    This line speaks volumes of emotion - clearly you care for someone; in the real world or the virtual/mythical world?
    It is simple but clear.

    Nor matter the weather outside

    ^^
    'Nor' should simply be 'no'
    Again, with such simplicity you have managed to display such deep emotion. You would do anything for this person you have fallen in love with.

    If you were captured I would come to your rescue

    ^^
    Speaking in terms of this being a game, here it seems you wish to be the hero - perhaps so she will notice you? - Maybe she already has, but again, the emotion in this line is clear.

    Nor matter what man or beast that came my way

    ^^
    Again, 'nor' should simply be 'no'
    Emotion - Perfect.
    I can almost imagine you fighting of men and gruesome beasts to protec the damsel in distress.... Good job.

    I wear my Amulet of Mara

    ^^
    I take it this is game terminology of some significant meaning, otherwise you wouldn't have added it.

    To show you that I am interested

    ^^
    The previous line is clearer now.

    Would you come on a adventure with me?

    ^^
    Should be 'AN adventure'
    I like the use of the question.. it's not straight forward - which is why I love it - it contains the underlying question of 'do you like me too?' Fantastic job!

    And face whatever comes our way?

    ^^
    Again, that double-meaning question - 'would you do the same for me, i.e. battle any weather, fight any beast or man, etc'
    ________________________________
    OVERALL;

    The title:
    I like the title, as it's one that draws the reader in because it's difficult to know what the poem could contain.
    HOWEVER... The title generally shouldn't be used within the first line... it loses its surprise/impact...
    In saying that I also think the first line is a great starting point for the poem - it gives the setting without giving too much of the content away.
    Also, I feel that the words 'what if' should be used again within the poem... perhaps at the very end somehow..?

    ^^
    Reading that back, it's quite confusing - I like it, I don't. But perhaps consider changing the title to something similar/related, or simply choose to ignore me << completely up to you (:

    There were a few grammatical errors - as I stated above. The 'nor' doesn't work in either situation in the poem unfortunately.

    But, I can honestly say I haven't read anything like that - it was a creative and unique spin on a love poem and I really enjoyed it.

    5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by elizabeth

    This is so cute

  • 6 years ago

    by Erin

    Cute :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Rose

    I love it..it's really cute!