Comments : Scintillation

  • 10 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I could definitely see the improvement, Mery :D

    "I was hopeless,
    lonely damsel"

    An article (a) between 'was' and 'hopeless' would avoid grammatical errors OR 'a' before 'lonely' would be more dramatic :)

    "crying in the night,
    seeking the vestige light;"

    The rhyme night/light has become trite (I wasn't rhyming :D), but it fits the tone. Really well-penned.

    "but I was prison---
    in the dark."

    "I was a prisoner" would make more sense, and the abundance of hyphen didn't do anything :/

    "Draped in the garment
    of wrath..."

    I'd rather the ellipsis be turned into a comma so it'll connect with the following lines.

    "He---
    took my hand,"

    I like the imagery, but the hyphen ruined the flow. Plus, I only use one hyphen (-) in poetry, it's better that way, in my humble opinion.

    "picked the brightest star from the sky;
    and put it into my palm."

    I LOVE the imagery here! But 'picked' didn't do it for me. When I think of 'picked' it's like 'picked a booger' lol.. 'took' would be better. 'Put' sounded awkward. I suggest 'placed'---it's more elegant. 'Into' should be 'on'

    "I was exalted for joy,
    embraced Him again
    towards my heart
    because---
    He gives me another
    light."

    The capitalisation of 'He' and 'Him' made me think you are referring to God. Really nice.
    'For' should be 'with'. There's something wrong with "embraced Him again towards my heart". Firstly, it was never mentioned that the persona embraced him before, so 'again' should be eradicated. And there's something wrong with 'towards my heart'. Consider revision there. Gives should be gave. Again, the hyphen did not add anything. Message-wise, I am in love with this piece lol. Amazing write, Mery.
    Your best piece by far! I would nominate this but I've no more votes. Perhaps next week :)
    -X

  • 10 years ago

    by L

    Scintillation

    Nice title, I have to tell you that I had no idea what that word meant, now I know. Thanks, I have learnt a new word.
    I really like this piece, but I also agree with Xanthe, it needs some corrections, I included some of the suggestions that Xanthe gave as well as my own. I rewrote them within the poem, just for you to see them and if you like them, you are free to use them. :)

    I was hopeless,
    a lonely damsel
    crying in the night,
    seeking the vestige of light;
    but I was a prisoner
    in the dark.
    Draped in the garment
    of wrath...

    He
    took my hand,
    (held) the brightest star from the sky;
    and put it into my palm.
    I was exalted for joy,
    I embraced Him again
    towards my heart
    because-
    He has given me another
    light.

  • 10 years ago

    by Max

    Wow Another fantastic piece by you

    "I was a hopeless,
    lonely damsel
    crying in the night,
    seeking the vestige light;
    but I was a prisoner
    in the dark.
    Draped in the garment
    of wrath..."

    the imagery here was fantastic
    specially the last line it is so cool
    well as the important points have been already said,let me try to explain this to myself out loud =P

    now you are talking about somebody so depressed and enclosed on herself that she felt it was her own prison and she was the only prisoner there no people around and nothing but darkness floating every where

    "He-
    took my hand,
    Drew the brightest star from the sky;
    and put it on my palm.
    I was exalted with joy,
    embraced Him
    and glorified His name...
    Faith revived my life
    because-
    He gave me another
    light."
    well after she saw somebody around her
    she noticed she wasn't alone
    he tried to help her and gave her his hand
    she took his help so he filled her life with light and faith.
    The end =P

    great poem by you in my opinion
    well written
    5/5 keep writing =)

  • 10 years ago

    by sun spots

    Like the poem. The last part reminds me of divine intervention. Can't really comment further as i don't possess the literate ability that other members on this site excel in

    • 10 years ago

      by Yrem Crish

      Well, I am not longing in the long comment..even short comment is matter most...I appreciate it all, sun spots:)

  • 10 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    Awesome, awesome, beautiful

  • 10 years ago

    by JustAnotherPoet

    Wow, this is really beautiful.

    Draped in the garment
    of wrath...

    ~ I especially love this. The garment of wrath... wow. I can't even begin to say how much I love this poem.

  • 10 years ago

    by Marvellous

    In scarcity, a wealth is found. At the fullness of time, God gives.

  • 10 years ago

    by Angel

    Amazing :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Silent Girl

    I love the flow of the word's in this poem (: 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by East Poetry

    Very interesting that you refer to God has Faith,
    because to truly know him... that's what we need to have. Another amazing poem

  • 10 years ago

    by Thomas

    I assume this poem is about God.

    If so, he will always be with you