Comments : Life's Single String

  • 7 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    What a great poem and great inner messages.

    Things seem not to fit in this world
    Once love encompasses another heart
    Life has grown so cold, so old
    Not as clear as it was at the start

    - a great start to the poem with a great use of the word encompasses which instantly creates power in your poem. The word cold gives the sense of a loneliness and hoplessness for what life is. And the last line, for me, reminds me of being young and not knowing what life was about and the pain it can serve you.

    As sand fills my deep dreams
    Hope sails on an ocean blue
    Awaken by those hallow screams
    That shatter all that is true

    - You create really good imagery here, the sense of having a peaceful dream of hope and beaches but then being awoken by perhaps the screams of your own demons, or perhaps those of the neighbours bringing you back to the reality of what the world is really like.

    When loneliness becomes reality
    A new way of life is thus revealed
    Directed to the precious immortality
    Across the ocean lays a field

    There solitude exists without sadness
    Hope anchors the green shores of fate
    Joy and love bright the skies
    Those feelings are pure, hidden, innate

    - What I liked about these verses were the words of power which you used, they stand out so much and create clear scenes to visualize what is almost like a story. You begin to imagine the beauty of this field you are describing and how it would feel to be there and feel as you put it " solitude but without the sadness "

    All good things come to an end
    When the moon shines brilliantly white
    This bright field is covered in sand
    As the dream descends beyond sight

    - I think this stanza brings the poem back to reality again and away from the dream and the heavens. I took from it the image of your dream within a dream fading from your sight and becoming reality.

    Things seem not to fit in this world
    When bittersweet symphonies are at play
    The field has grown cold, so old
    As the evergreen trees withered in decay

    - You have used the repetition in this verse which works really well for your poem and again reminds you of the writers emotion of hopelessness and sadness.

    Solitude remains with a slight sting
    Reminding the only thing that is true
    Your life is held by a single string
    And the only way to survive, is by being you

    - I liked the opening because you describe the solitude as being painful. Just a slight sting but yet painful none the less. The message in this that your life is on a string is very strong and true and again so much of us take it for granteed as that strong can be cut at any time.

    I really enjoyed this and thought you done an excellent job, the power of your words are flawless and show off your talent well.

    Good work . 5/5