Comments : Dear Daddy

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Dear Daddy, i vaguely remember when mommy left you
    and how sad you where, you were miserable and blue

    - this last line says where instead of were.

    I tried to be the daughter to make your day a little brighter
    but that was forever ago, before the first cut of the razor

    - very moving opening, stating what the relationship is in the poem and giving the idea of a little girl and her daddy which many can relate to in some way or another.

    I was so young and innocent, it all seemed just normal,
    before I learned around you I had to be so very careful,
    you were so easily triggered, especially since I looked like
    the woman who divorced you, to you we were just alike

    - this is so sad, what a burden for such a young child to carry - the look of her mother which triggers her father. I like how you describe yourself as very young and innocent, as all children are, it gives the poem so much more power because the image in your head becomes clear as a child and their father who they should be looking up to.

    But that was about 3 years ago, I've grown up since then,
    I moved out, because I got tired of hearing your shit again
    and again, I got tired of fearing you day after miserable day,
    I got tired of forcing myself to be somewhere I hated and stay

    - my advice for this stanza would be to remove the word shit and replace it with another word such as record, story, moans? I just think your poem is actually quite good and this word degrades it a bit, in my opinion. While I understand why you used the word, I do think you would give the poem more justice by replacing it.
    - your last line reads "I hated and stay" This would make more sense if you replaced and with to... reading " somewhere I hated to stay" ??

    These 2 things aside, I loved the impact this stanza had. It is clear you didnt want to move out but felt you had no choice because of the situation, which is so sad for the girl because she has to walk away from a man who should be everything to her.

    I see all these lucky girls hugging their wonderful daddies,
    and a monstrousity of a jealousy grows, they begin to tease
    without even knowing, it's not their fault, nor mine, yours,
    you sick twisted man, that all I can remember are your roars

    - this shows the child inside as well as the adult and their feelings of neglect and let down by their father. You have expressed this well.

    I am stumbled on one line from this.. it's not their fault, nor mine, yours,
    - I assume you mean it is his fault, but the way this has been written is like his name is in the list of people you are not blaming. I would chage this to read " it's yours" clearly showing who is being blamed here.

    But you are uncapable of grasping what you've done and said
    in your mind it was pure love that you showed me instead
    so whenever you wonder why I can't be around you anymore,
    look at how you treated me, and you'll see, i'm absolutely sure

    I loved your ending because you are turning it around so you are actually talking to him, I do not know if you meant this or noticed this but it works really well for me. I think you should add some comma's to the end lines of this last stanza. It reads too long a sentence just now and you are not sure where to break it up while reading. A few comma's should sort this out.

    A really great poem. Very emotional and I am sure many can relate to this and feel connected to your words, regardless of what age they are.