Comments : Here I Am

  • 11 years ago

    by Xanthe

    Wow, Mery. Perhaps one of your best or your best piece to date. Will leave a better comment soon. But this is beautiful. I missed reading your work. :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Yrem Crish

    Thanks for that, Xanthe...I really appreciate it as always:))

  • 11 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    Mery,this is just too beautiful.............n very inspirational!
    Its simple..and contains many things.....i really really loved it......i should say,many words,many events u have mentioned here resembles mine as well..

    i loved this part a lottt

    "I'm trying to fight my emptiness,
    escaping from my loneliness,
    and hiding from my sadness.
    But still-
    tear's falling
    heart's breaking
    and more pains' aching.
    As hope slowly drift away."

    and this is too touching-
    "Here I am,
    mourning with your people,
    en-cage in adversity
    and facing the disastrous life.
    Hoping to find peace from your love,
    find hope from your words,
    find shelter from your arms
    and find trust through our faith.
    But still-
    children crying,
    innocent dying
    life ends in a bloody strife
    and chaos, casualty of life
    As hope slowly gone away."

    i really was missing ur poems Mery!
    well written!
    *_*

  • 11 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I love the simplicity of the title.

    "Here I am,
    looking at the dark sky,
    hoping to find a star
    that will spark to my lonely night."

    Good start. You could easily cross out the first line, though, to let the title naturally seep through the piece, but just a thought.
    In the last line: you could remove 'to'.
    If I've any critique here, it woupd be to choose better adjectives. Describing the sky as dark is very common and since you've written that it was 'night' afterwards, it is understandable that it's dark already.

    "I'm trying to fight my emptiness,
    escaping from my loneliness,
    and hiding from my sadness.
    But still-
    tear's falling
    heart's breaking
    and more pains' aching.
    As hope slowly drift away."

    escaping -- escape
    hiding -- hide
    fifth verse: tears are falling
    seventh verse: I'm not sure. "and more pain's coming/felt"?
    drift -- drifts

    "Here I am,
    mourning with your people,
    en-cage in adversity
    and facing the disastrous life."

    I don't think you need the hyphen in 'encage'. Also it should be: encaged.
    the -- this ? to make it specific.
    I think this could be a dedication to a different country; a country you're not from? which is suffering, since you wrote "your people". Or perhaps God's people, you mean? In which case, I think you should capitalise the y on you?

    "Hoping to find peace from your love,
    find hope from your words,
    find shelter from your arms
    and find trust through our faith."

    From -- in / within

    "But still-
    children crying,
    innocent dying
    life ends in a bloody strife
    and chaos, casualty of life
    As hope slowly gone away."

    Second line: children ARE crying
    Third line: THE innocent ARE dying
    Fifth line: not sure what you mean there.
    gone -- goes

    "I'm trying to fight this endless burden,
    encouraging myself to be brave
    and faith is my only shield."

    You could change 'burden' as it doesn't fit.? I don't think you could 'fight' a burden, you could carry or bear it, though.
    third line: with faith as my only shield (?)

    "Here I am, again!
    looking at the dark sky,
    hoping to find an answer
    in my lonely cries,
    Asking...
    "God, are you still there?"

    I don't think the exclamation point works as well as the ellipsis. You could change the exclamation point to a comma and remove the one before 'again' to make it flow better. Fifth line: I ask,

    "Then, I smile while my tears drop
    slowly from my glowing eyes,
    staring on a little star
    sparkling in the vast night sky."

    on -- at
    I think the star symbolises hope.
    A simple write that could be turned into a masterpiece with a bit editing, such as improving the adjectives and word choice, perhaps? But overall, I enjoyed reading this. Keep it up.

  • 11 years ago

    by Max

    I like this poem
    and I like how u penned it simply,
    The tone was fitting the idea and the sadness in that poem
    and I like the twist in the end that you at last found your sparkling start that u have been looking for since it vanished which makes me wonder if it was hope or your own trust in God that he will always be there when you need him?

    Good write Keep it up =)

  • 11 years ago

    by Darren

    This is very thought provoking, Love the looking at the sky asking is god still there.

    You discuss the casualty of life, there are so many needless wars, people are dying and the effect this have on our next generation cannot be underestimated.

    The last stanza is a great message, looking deeper at the last two lines I can imagine staring at the star wondering if life is better elsewhere.

    Nice poem, nice flow.

    regards

  • 11 years ago

    by Yrem Crish

    Thanks:))

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    I guess many people can relate to this one. We've all wondered these questions, I bet. Well written.

    • 8 years ago

      by Yrem Crish

      Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate it.