Comments : With My Dream

  • 10 years ago

    by ArtistrySoul

    This was an interesting piece, especially stating the moral of the poem. The way I perceived this one was how people say things to bring you down and hurt your feelings as you might not have much going in your life, so instead of people trying to understand or help you there just undermining you and that makes you feel some what depressed.

    Always believe in yourself and ignore people who frown negativity upon you because its your potential and dreams that will get you to the other side of the rainbow =]

  • 10 years ago

    by Krysten

    Beautiful poem about staying strong despite everyone and everything that trys to keep you down.

    If they only knew... the courage I pray to be strong and endure all the pains to bear the burden of my life

    This was my favorite stanza...each person has their own hardships, every burden you carry is the hardest because you are the one carrying It.

    Great job 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Xanthe

    Great message once again, Mery. I like how your new poems speak more about faith, about God, your beliefs, hope.

    I wasn't too keen on the irregular rhymes here and there, as well as the lack of meter as it only resulted to forced rhymes. I'm not sure if they were intentionally written or not, but it seemed awkward and shifted the tone and flow from time to time. You coupd just abandon those rhymes and write this as a free verse, so that the message won't be undermined.

    First stanza: remove the comma after say. It isn't necessary, it only disrupts the flow. Replace it with 'that'. I like the message here; instead of the usual, your life is black and white or grey; dull, you write 'there's no color in [my] way'. It's interesting and holds my attention.

    Second stanza: first line has two adverbs. It sort of weakens it, don't you think?
    and -- to ?
    from -- in ?

    Third stanza: holds so much sadness. It showcases life's miseries and injustice with ease. Being numb is one thing; it just occurs naturally, the body does it on its own, however, 'pretend[ing] to be numb' is another; it shows that the persona wants to be but the body can't or won't, perhaps.
    An article (the) before acerbity?
    typo: judgement -- judgment
    I don't understand the last line here. You mean free from what other people think? You don't care what other thinks about you anymore?
    Askew is an adjective and can be used as an adverb. I've never seen it used like this (a noun) before.

    Fourth:
    My suggestion;
    If they only knew about
    the courage I have to pray
    to be strong and endure all the pain
    for me to bear the burden of my life.

    Fifth: I think you could connect this with the previous stanza; "If... then..."
    My suggestion;
    Then people won't tell me,
    "You have no wings to fly
    to reach your dream in the sky.
    You have nowhere to go
    and you're left in a place
    where you don't belong."

    Sixth: Hm, repetition.. Swap still and stand. And you could revise this with my previous suggestions.?

    Last stanza: Swap these and all, and there should be an 'of' between them.?
    I really like how this ended in hope. Shows how optimistic you are. Great job. Keep it up.

  • 10 years ago

    by Chevalier des Fleurs

    WOW! I loved this. The way you explained in such detail and each sentence is really strong. I love the moral of the poem, the words you used are so strong. It's full of courage and and love, you may wonder how I get that but from you writing something this powerful that right there gives you so much courage. It was beautifully thought out and very well written. Keep it up!
    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Amreen

    Wonderful mery... we may get many who.would bully us and let us down and just no one to be by us.. but its only the almighty who is suffice for just any endeavour... your message is conveyed...:)
    Good work:)

  • 10 years ago

    by Amreen

    Wonderful mery... we may get many who.would bully us and let us down and just no one to be by us.. but its only the almighty who is suffice for just any endeavour... your message is conveyed...:)
    Good work:)

  • 9 years ago

    by Vic Johns

    Epic ! You show immense strength of character through this poem !!

  • 9 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    This is really beautiful n heart touching Mery! n many of us can relate..
    Keep up the high spirit Mery! n thanks for sharing the poem,got to read one from yours after such a long time!
    :)

  • 9 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    This is really beautiful n heart touching Mery! n many of us can relate..
    Keep up the high spirit Mery! n thanks for sharing the poem,got to read one from yours after such a long time!
    :)

  • 9 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    This is really beautiful n heart touching Mery! n many of us can relate..
    Keep up the high spirit Mery! n thanks for sharing the poem,got to read one from yours after such a long time!
    :)

    • 9 years ago

      by Yrem Crish

      Thanks for the comments friend
      ..

  • 7 years ago

    by Justin

    Is it the mud in the street, in your hands, that keeps the colors from shining? All our hearts beat red with passion, only difference is how we show. I like your poem very much.