Comments : Stroke Away my Pangs(Quatern)

  • 11 years ago

    by Amreen

    Ohh so emotionally captivating.... I loved the usage of words... Just making this piece so drenched with emotions.. it was creative of you to incorporate the line in a pattern in every stanza keeping the emotions intact.... Beautifully carved as always:)

  • 11 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Remember that a quatern has 8 syllables per line, you range from 9 to 15. Your effort is well done as far as substance, but reduce the syllable count. Also, "visualised" is "visualized."
    I am demonstrating your first stanza reduced to 8 syllables. Of course, this may not encompass your meaning, I am only giving it as an example:

    In the darkness of the hour
    dull colours paint melancholy
    light brush sweeps away agony
    wrinkled canvas holds tears - my soul .

    • 11 years ago

      by Yakori bint Muhammed

      I'd edited it conforming to the 8 syllable line as i ought to have followed.

  • 11 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow! This poem is so beautiful and amazing first quatern! I never would've thought it was your first because it was so well-written and flowed perfectly. You could hardly tell there was a refrain in every stanza... it was cohesive and fit perfectly within each stanza... I hardly noticed it was the same exact line.

    The imagery you created was enchanting.. and I love how it's about painting. I find painting to be one of the most amazing talents, and I like how this person is painting in the darkness of hour... it seems ironic since when you're painting you need light and to see what you're doing. Even though this poem is quite sad, as it's clear you're stroking your pain and letting out your frustrations, but reading this poem made me feel calm and good.

    Love it! Amazing piece...

  • 11 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Drop a syllable each from lines 7, 9, & 14.
    Otherwise it's perfect.

  • 11 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Your final product is quite well done. It fits the technical requirements of the Quatern in all respects.
    Additionally you made the adjustments while retaining the spirit and meaning of your original work. Really you made the message more powerful by compacting it. It's tighter and more concise. Easier to read as well.

  • 11 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Wow yakori this is astonishing really it is..

    There is nothing I can say that others haven't already told you, excellent write for a first quatern! Imagery and wording were just gorgeous...So sorry I can't make this longer but really, they all have touched on the key points in this poem...just beautiful.