Comments : Deep Thoughts

  • 11 years ago

    by ah satan 666

    @.@!!!

    I see this as a catch 22 poem...

    This is a deep write...

    Deep thoughts can cause sadness, and you portray this well in your wording...

    but

    You've also given your poem a saving grace line ...

    "but in every secrets tale,
    there lies a key of wisdom."

    ... Hope!

    By displays life's greatest power...

    "Knowledge"...

    the will to learn and move forward... hoping that the knowledge taken from one experience, will make your eyes open wider, giving your heart a shield and your mind wiser for your next experience.

    Without one, you don't get the other.

    *Just a thought to make this piece easier to read... As I really like it...

    I took out a few words/letters i thought you didn't need...
    And added full stops and ellipses...
    I hope you don't mind?
    Obviously you don't have to change anything, as its just my opinion :)

    " What eyes can see,
    the wind provokes.
    What the heart can feel,
    the mind meditates;
    for in every mist...
    the dew is pouring down.
    Lights maybe dimmed and shunned...
    but in every secret tale,
    lies a key of wisdom."

    Either way I like this poem :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    It very much is a deep poem of thoughts, however I do agree with what Satan has suggested in terms of improving the poem.

    What an eyes can see,
    the wind provokes,

    - an = single so should be an eye. or just "what eyes can see" if you mean a pair of eyes or more than one person's eyes.

    What the hearts felt,
    the mind meditates,

    same with hearts = hearts is plural and felt is past, so this implies that more than one heart has felt something in the past, which can be correct but given your structure of the poem I think you mean what the "heart feels" ?

    for in every mist,
    the dew is pouring down,
    lights maybe dimmed and shunned,

    - maybe here needs to be may be as two separate words.

    but in every secrets tale,
    there lies a key of wisdom.

    - secrets = plural, and I think you mean one. Unless you are implying the tale belongs to the secret then it should be secret's with an apostrophe to show belonging.

    It is a well put together poem, but a few edits and it would flow better grammatically.