Comments : Wendy In Neverland

  • 11 years ago

    by Marcy Lewis

    I saw you were online and I was immediately like "YES. SHE'S GONNA TYPE A NEW ONE."

    This is GORGEOUS. I had an inkling that there would be a piece about Neverland, and here it is.

    I can't even really critique it, because the flow is syllable to syllable, the beat doesn't change for me.

    You are a natural at rhyming, by the way. This is absolutely fantastic.

    I love in the beginning how he takes your cold hand, as if to feel the unhappiness and grown-up sorrow in your skin, and how by the end, he takes your warm hand - showing that much has changed inside you. That was so beautiful, and I didn't pick up on it immediately. I caught it on the second read through. Great though put into that.

    He takes my warm hand and leans in to whisper:
    "You don't have to leave," he pleads,
    "You can stay here forever."
    What a wonderful thought! And with one look at his face
    My heart knows what to do, what decision to make.

    ^This is such a good closing. All your poems tend to wrap up wonderfully. It flows perfectly, and the rhymes are all perfectly relevant, and it doesn't sound forced at all.

    Yet another exceptional write. c: