Comments : Resuscitation

  • 11 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    I love random poems, to me they are the ones that stand out the most. If you don't mind my sweet, I would like to make a minor critique on this piece, only because I truly adore this one... if you omit some of the "my" words in this piece it will make it smooth and flow...

    example:
    I can feel it invading my frail body.
    Once corroded blood is turning clear again,
    brain is responding to the change.
    The inflammation in my lungs is subsiding,
    so are the irregular beats of the heart.
    Eyes are deep brown again,
    no longer icy gray.
    They've seen a white light
    that's permanently imprinted on them,
    a light as bright as the stars.

    see what you think? I got rid of an "and" a few mys and added a "the" in there... just a minor shift of filler words... either way... I really love this one Rusheena... love random!!!

    • 11 years ago

      by Rusheena

      Of course I don't mind; constructive criticism is always welcome. I actually like your suggestions; I just may keep one "my". Thanks, Andrea!

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    You can actually take quite a lot from this poem. It could mean recovery from illness/disease or it could be the recovery of drug abuse/addiction.

    The way you describe the change in your body and the accecptance of the change, this made me think of the drugs being in your system and the affect they have, but then when we no longer have them in our body we get different affects.

    I am going to stick with the recovery of illness though, even just a cold or such like because the hope at the end of the poem is like you feel fresh and new again and like all the bad stuff inside is leaving now and you can return to feeling healthy.

    Nice job, I think with Maple's advice it will be complete. x