Comments : Beneath The Dark

  • 6 years ago

    by Masked metaphor

    Beneath the Dark,
    Waiting for a Remote-less tomorrow.
    Nothing rises on the Horizon,
    Breathing in the Sorrow.
    ^^
    This is a great opening stanza as it drew me in to your scenery with words such as dark, remote-less, horizon and sorrow. I love these descriptions and the way you have constructed them to flow so smoothly like a film rolling pictures into meaning so do your words!

    Underneath the cries,
    And pinhole screams.
    Loneliness dies,
    Along with dreams.
    ^^
    In this stanza the growth and development of the poem unfolds as the first described the scenery this creates the sounds as well as builds more to the atmosphere. I love the juxtaposition of the loud with the silent I believe this is a powerful effects and is often displayed in life, so deep and well thought out!

    A Blanket of blurry melancholy,
    Trudging through the black Tiger Lilies.
    In a mischosen mess of frantic pretentious flowing,
    Stampeding over pristine virtual valleys.
    ^^
    Wow this stanza screams metaphors and each line gets better and better. I like your choice of wording as it embeds itself so well into your chosen theme and creates an open doorway into your thoughts as you capture with your words with such compelling imagery that makes any reader able to view it though their own eyes.

    Under-towed into unwilling scenarios,
    Beached upon a meaningless timescape ....
    Of Lost Wonder.
    And skulls of chattering consummation.
    ^^
    Your use of an Ellipses is very effective here and I have got to say I love this line...
    And skulls of chattering consummation - it really grips me and the imagery created from this is so vivid!

    Only to be spit-up; regurgitated -
    Blown forth skittering over Saturn's Moon Day.
    Souls are sucked and tumbled dry,
    Better off dead or one long ceaseless try ...
    ^^
    Such a powerful ending - this is where we all applaud!
    I love the links to Saturn and the metaphors used to complete it off! Amazing work

    5.5 from me

  • 6 years ago

    by Rusheena

    You cease to amaze me, Andrew. Again, I'm loving the Emily D. style, and there's elements of Poe in there too. I'm a sucker for dark imagery, and you nailed it! This would go great with an illustration, but my mind can fill in the blanks well enough. One little nitpick, I think there's a punctuation error in this stanza:

    "Only to be spit-up; regurgitated -
    Blown forth skittering over Saturn's Moon Day.
    Souls are sucked and tumbled dry,
    Better off dead or one long ceaseless try ..."

    I think there should be a comma after "spit-up", and maybe after "regurgitated". You can use commas in a series without a conjunction, since this wouldn't be a run-on. But I think the hyphen works too. You also need a comma after "long", since there's two adjectives.

    Okay, back to the admiration... I see a wasteland filled with hopelessness, and it really makes wonder how it got to this point. It seems that the speaker has had enough of this dreary existence, even though he's already adapted this lifestyle. Nice work! Favorited and nominated ;)

    • 6 years ago

      by Andrew Packard

      Wow! You guys have truly humbled my Heart with these comments! Made my day! I hate to say this, I think I do write some really good stuff sometimes, rather effortlessly, it just comes flowing out of me.
      I sat down to watch this B rated horror movie on netflix called "Beneath the Dark" and I thought wow, that title is real poetry, I think I'll adopt it and write a poem about it! Am I allowed to do that?
      Anyway yeah, Rusheena you guessed it, it is about the dreariness of existence in the second half of one's life. Trying to find meaning in the 15 to 20 years you have left, Like a dude on death row, god that's too macabre, sorry!!!!
      And that movie, I never did watch it! Just clicked pause and wrote this poem!

  • 6 years ago

    by Darren

    Although in the sad section it is very dark
    clever imagery coupled with a useful rhyming scheme help this roll off the tongue with ease.

    I love the 'pinhole screams'

    but the best line for me is this;

    In a mischosen mess of frantic pretentious flowing,

    great write.

  • 6 years ago

    by myonlymoon

    "A Blanket of blurry melancholy,
    Trudging through the black Tiger Lilies.
    In a mischosen mess of frantic pretentious flowing,
    Stampeding over pristine virtual valleys. "

    Andrew this write has me stuck in awe! I almost can't even handle it. This pen is dripping with so many metaphors it's ridiculous. This one stanza in particular I grabbed.... Holy cow!!! This is amazing.

    Great write. 5/5

    • 6 years ago

      by Andrew Packard

      I know right? No really Thanks so much everyone, it has become a favorite!