Comments : Beautiful Smile

  • 11 years ago

    by Hellon

    I loved smiles...they are free and very under-used IMHO so....I was sucked in with the title...

    The only therapy that my mind needs
    is the sight of your beautiful smile.
    Your smile can erase the doubts inside
    and wipe out all the fears.
    Your smile is my reassurance, when
    paranoia comes to the surface
    and hallucinates with frowns.
    That curvy line upon your face
    turns everything else back straight.
    And your beautiful smile is all I need
    for my own smile to return

    I know this may be a personal poem for you and maybe it was for someone special...not sure but...I think I'm counting the word usage of "your" 5 or six times here? Even if it was for someone of interest...I'd try to cut some of them off....just something for you to consider???

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Thanks for that - edited it around a bit. x

  • 11 years ago

    by Hellon

    Ok...I like this enough to come back with another suggestion...don't mean to take over your poem but...I spent a lot of time as a copy reader so...I see things that authors sometimes miss...

    The only therapy that my mind needs
    is the sight of your beautiful smile.
    The only thing that can erase the doubts inside
    and wipe out all my fears.
    My reassurance, when * Your reassurance and I'd put that separate for the rest of the poem...give it a line of it's own for it's a huge statement
    paranoia comes to the surface
    and hallucinates with frowns.
    That curvy line upon your face
    turns everything else back straight. * back..Mmmm strange word to use..I'm sure you can find a better one?
    And your beautiful smile is all I need
    for my own smile to return.

  • 11 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    A smile from another beautiful soul is the best Therapy of all... this is beautiful Saffie!

  • 11 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    Sometimes all it takes is a smile from that special someone to brighten your entire day. Sometimes, even seeing other people happy turns my whole mood around, even if I don't know them.

    Smiles are reassurances that no matter what, everything is going to be okay. <3

    Wonderful pen, dear!

  • 11 years ago

    by Odd David

    A very nice read