Comments : Backyard Adventures - Jan de Bouff (The Pirate)

  • 10 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    I did miss your little joining on bit at the start of this one. Perhaps even reminding us that you had just opened the gate, or there he was at the other end of the gate etc.

    A pirate stared up at me,
    I say up because he was
    very short in stature...
    no more than three feet tall
    I would guess. Black curls
    billowing 'neath a red bandana,
    gold earing glistening
    in the sun and, as he
    twitched his eye patch
    into place, he pulled himself
    up to full height,
    adjusted his sword
    and...ignoring me completely
    he said...

    - your descriptions is fantastic, you paint the character so well but keep it short and interesting. I felt it quite significant that he ignored you, I wonder what his reasons for this were.

    "Well me hearties
    it's been a long time
    thought you had both
    been lost at sea.
    Hopper, I'll 'ave some
    oh that rum me sees."

    and...

    - I love the language of the pirate, very typical and easy to imagine. I also find him to be quite a cheeky pirate too, which would explain Terry Tu. I would never have thought in the beginning that the parrot would belong to a pirate. SO it makes me think what happened in order for them to be separated, was it an accident, or did they plan on running away from him? interesting :)

    As Hopper happily limped
    over, Terry-Tu perched himself
    upon Jan de Bouff's shoulder
    and they all started singing...

    "Yo! Ho! Ho! to all, we are chums
    We'll head out to sea when we finish our rum
    We'll get us much treasure, be it diamonds or gold
    We'll all be very rich by the time we grow old".

    - very very realistic about the pirate's mind frame, how they think of money and are often very selfish. I still wonder here if the frog and Terry want to go with him, or if there is a twist.

    I wondered...if I provide a boat and a sail would they head off into the sunset?...

    - loved your ending, again the suspense is still there but I cannot help but wonder more about their previous journey as well as what will happen on their next one.

    Keep them going.

    • 10 years ago

      by Hellon

      Thanks for the suggestion Saffie. I have now included a little opening intro.