Comments : Ravan sky (collab)

  • 10 years ago

    by Burning Angel

    Wow i love this poem!

  • 10 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    In the title, should Ravan not be Raven?
    Title is very good, interesting and unique and does not give too much away about the poem but draws the reader in to find out more.

    Follow the ghostly footprints
    that lead me down a dark wooded path.
    There is no light to guide me home
    when I get lost inside my misery.

    - I like this opening, I can picture the depression here and how hard it is to find any light when we get consumed by these emotions. The wording is very good and I like the dark tone.

    The dark twisted tree's beg for my pitiful demise.
    the ground I walk on cringes beneath my bare feet.
    Paranoia destroys my sanity,
    as blinking eyes surround me with a bountiful blow.

    - tree's don't need an apostrophe.
    - the, in the second line needs a capital T.
    - again, I like the wording here, especially about the paranoia making you insane, this was very well worded and easy to imagine how much it messes with your thoughts.

    As I become weaker, my heart slows,
    my face pale like the ghosts that haunt it.
    My past is finally doing its job
    killing me as it has done all along.

    - nice simile of the ghosts for the pale skin, I thought it was very fitting to the theme of the poem and the dark tone of being haunted. We see here also that there is trouble and memories in the past and this is the cause of these emotions and the depression. This is very easy to relate to.

    A reveloution is at hand,
    my heart is yet to abide.
    Angels fortify the raven sky
    caressing me in a glorious melody.

    - revelation? Is that what you mean for the first line?
    -I think the ending here shows death? And how they are free from these emotions now and the haunting of the past.

    The collab was well put together, so well done on that.