Comments : Glisten (Haiku)

  • 10 years ago

    by Hellon

    There have been many debates and comments made on this little poetry form over the years on this site and still we are without conclusion as to what makes a good one special so...I can only give you my own thoughts on what I think about this one. At the moment...it is not a haiku...it's just a sentence...

    Daffodills tease the
    dewdrops on Dandelions
    that softly glisten.

    While I don't claim to know how to write a good one I can show you what is basically wrong with this at the moment. You have the count right (some will say that the count shouldn't matter but on this site...where it gets judged as a 5/7/5 count it does). Every word should count in such a short form so...try to avoid words like the, an, in etc

    Looking at your first line

    Daffodills tease the..(daffodils has one l BTW) you have the tacked on at the end which isn't necessary...

    Daffodils teasing still says the same thing and..it's more poetic.

    dewdrops on dandelions is fine and you have now painted your two images so...line three should let the reader know how you sum these images up...that's what the third line in a haiku should do and..it should disconnect from the other two lines in a way..example...

    Daffodils teasing
    dewdrops on dandelions:
    mother nature's tears.

    I'm not saying to use this but just showing you that if I had experienced this scene I'd probably have come to this conclusion or something similar...does this make sense?

  • 10 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    This is a very interesting haiku dashiel. I loved the punctuation between each line here. It shows how each line is powerful. The lines hold their own strong message that has a lot of imagery in between. I love the wording as well for a haiku it's really strong. The use of flowers hold very true to the form and I can see this in the morning with the sun just starting to rise to kiss the day. Now I will tell you what I think about the beauty of the poem.

    I love the first line. The imagery is very lovely as it shows a group of dandelions. The line itself holds a vagueness to it. Though they are there you leave the readers mind to where they sit. I can see them In a yard or a field with many flowers. I love the use of quaint here. That also holds a mystery but I love whereyour mind is going. What I think is that other flowers find each other has weird or different eeach one hold a beauty inside. I love how you seem to bring them alive with your words. The ending line is great. As I said before I can see this in very early morning. The dew still in the grass and everything just waking up the day. Very beautiful write overall. !!