Comments : My dog and Me

  • 10 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    A fiery, fun four legged friend
    Loyalty without question, until the end
    Cautious yet approachable, protecting me
    In the black of night, so difficult to see

    - I would add in more punctuation at the end of your sentences here, each line begins with a capital, which can make it confusing to the reader when there is no stops or commas to show where one image ends, and the other begins. As for the opening of a poem, I really liked it, I am a dog trainer so the title and this verse wanted me to read more, and I really liked the image of the dog protecting you in the black of the night - showing the dangers that might arise, but the protection you feel from the dog.

    We walk the wire, every day and every night
    Protecting our mukkas, from the evil that's insight
    Step by Step, as we walk along
    Fear us together, as we are so strong

    - same thing with the punctuation, for example, Step by Step as we walk along fear us together. This shows how brave you feel and strong, with your dog by your side.

    Together we patrol slowly, steady just in case
    I hear a single gunshot, drop lead boy lets chase
    You chase the intruder down, drop him by his arm
    minimum force required, for you to cause less harm

    - This shows the dog as a working dog, for his duties and what it involves for him to do and his training in handling this situation. My suggestion would be to punctuate it better though, to show clear images and to break them us as needed.

    Intruder now stand still, ask for you to leave
    goodboy, weldone lad, this time there was no sleeve
    I ask you to sit stay, guard him while I search
    in case he tries to run, leaving us in the lurch

    - I would change the first line here to
    "intruder now STANDS still", so stands is in the present tense. And also use a joining word to continue it, like "AND I ask you to leave" or "WHEN I ask you to leave."
    - also, I would have good boy, and well done, as two separate words, not together.

    Do not try to run, my dog will re attack
    with or without my command, he will not be held back
    My heart is racing strong, proud of what I see
    Me and my dog, a team that's meant to be.

    - I liked your ending, I think it shows how the dog will work on your command, however, if under threat he will still act without a command as his instincts to protect are so strongly built that they override the obedience.

    Nice story.

    • 10 years ago

      by ZinaZonic

      Thank you so much for your feedback, :) im still quite new to writing so its much appreciated, hopefully i will get better soon :)
      x

    • 10 years ago

      by ZinaZonic

      Thank you so much for your feedback, :) im still quite new to writing so its much appreciated, hopefully i will get better soon :)
      x

    • 10 years ago

      by ZinaZonic

      Thank you so much for your feedback, :) im still quite new to writing so its much appreciated, hopefully i will get better soon :)
      x