Comments : Scratch paper

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Hand her a pen..
    words fill her brain,
    And heart contain sentiments.

    ^ contain should be contains. other than that this is a pretty decent introduction.

    Lend this woman an ink,
    Let every strokes be free
    Allow an art to be crafted.

    ^ an ink in the first line does not make sense. maybe some ink? in the second line strokes should be stoke because every means it does not need the s. the third line is also unclear, maybe try replacing an or deleting it all together.

    Lines per lines let it slip,
    Someone anonymous even to herself
    Something wishing to be answered.

    ^ lines per lines should probably be line per line or completely rewritten because even that way it is unclear what you are trying to say. the final two lines of this are great. very strong, clear, and personal. well done.

    Instilling every sentence to a pad
    Excavates some thing deep inside
    Screaming to bail out..bail out!

    ^ this is an interesting way to end your piece, but it does give the rest of it more meaning as to why you were writing this and what you wanted it to be.

    this is a decent piece as far as concept and personality go. your flow is decent as well. As I have already stated, I think the rest of the mechanics to this could be reworked a bit to really make this piece stand out

    • 9 years ago

      by ECILA ice

      Thank you for correcting everything specially with my grammar. I really appreciate it (I'm not really good with grammar) =)