Comments : My window Pain

  • 4 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    An effective write and well laid out. Excellent

  • 3 years ago

    by Em

    Paul I really like this.

    Stamed up window pain
    the rain it runs
    like tears cutting through a dirty face
    its a dirty place
    ^^
    Great start. The imagery here is good, I like the metaphor or the rain being like tears. Though i think 'stamed' should be 'steamed'

    Guitars play painful solos
    and they play
    the sound drifts on a evening breeze
    i,m down on my dirty knees
    ^^
    Love this stanza it's my fave. I can imagine you or a man on his dirty knees praying for the thing he wants and a serenading kind of music comes across, one that reminds him of his heartache. 'I,m' should be 'I'm'

    The light is fading
    this room so dim
    i here myself start thinking
    i no not where to begin
    ^^
    I also like this stanza because when we have a tormented mins, it's quite difficult to get all the things out that we want to and also hard to get the answers we need/want.
    'this room so dim'
    ^^
    I think this line needs and 'is' after room. Also, typo on 'here' it should be 'hear'

    footsteps falling
    a womans voice calling
    below my window
    and into my pain
    again
    agian
    and again
    ^^
    The repetition here is great and adds to the pain.

    All in all great write,
    Em