Ok, I have read this and I must admit I was shocked, but there again, if I had written this that would have been my intent. Bravo for this.
Separating a story into two half's ensures this affect, but also it is worth noting that 'feelings' are different and have there own flavour so to speak. The previous one, light, fresh, like lemon cream. This one dark, sour, thickly acidic, like spoiled milk.
Your simile of being Pluto and she the sun is excellent. You see her warmth and like a moth are captured and lured to it - you can do nothing else! A cursed fate indeed!
I can relate to this and have written many poems about such love, Venus' scarf for example. As painful as love is, especially when it is unrequited it is in our bones and so we continue our search. Keep searching and writing you have a talent.
5 years ago
by Ben Pickard
I agree with Michael (Mr Darcy) this is a well written piece which clearly displays talent. "That I, Pluto, was too far away to gain your love" - a wonderful line which conjures some wonderful imagery.
Great rhythm throughout and a really tight, talented piece. Well done
5 years ago
I really love reading your work, Killian and Rhiannon weren't kidding when they told me you were good. Anyway, the grandiose displays of voice paired with the complete honesty you pour into these is gorgeous.
I'm not sure if you've figured out what the weekly contest is yet or not, but if it weren't Saturday, I'd have to nominate this. It screams read me as well as I've been written uniquely and well. lol