This is funny. I was watching how they built buildings on sand just yesterday. They drive wooden columns through the sand to the more solid ground beneath, then they build on top.
Tanka form: 5,7,5,7,7 syllables
Watching grains of sand
Great imagery. I can almost feel grains of sand, their grainy, gritty feeling as I rub then between finger and forefinger. Syllable count 5
as they slip through my fingers
I mentioned this above. Each grain a minuscule mountain eroded over a millennium. Syllable count 7
Unfit for building
Like sinking sand, when you put weight on it the sand particles give way and sink whatever is on top. Syllable count 5
Who needs castles anyway
This reminds me of 'sandcastles' made with sand that is so fine they just collapse when you turn your bucket upside down and pat. Syllable count 6 - If you add the word sand to this line it will correct the count.
in this cold, forsaken land?
This line was intriguing for me. I was thinking sand as in desert, so unless this is a cold desert I am unsure where in the world this place is. Syllable count 7
Thanks for the beautiful comment, as always:)
I do believe me syllable count is correct:
The message is that I was trying to build something in the wrong place;0)
...lol - You are right. That just shows you how tired I am. Sorry! :O)
8 years ago
by Ben Pickard
I am no master like you two at form or syllable count, so I can just say what a wonderful little piece this is without having to get technical - ignorance is bliss! Well done Ingrid - syllables, schmillables!
Take care and all the best
It's amazing how we enjoy that hidden beauty within a sad piece. The title itself is more than attractive, and your lines broke my heart, you made it extremely picturesque, Ingrid and you have your special way with the poetry forms.
Just wondering why to capitalize "Unfit", I also think this line needs full stop.
Very adorable, Tanka. Thank you so much for sharing :)
My sub-judge comment:
The poem shouts sour grapes, but that is a shallow interpretation. The building blocks of time, sand trickling down the glass, build a sense of despair - too late, too little left, no hope of sustaining the bulwark of a legacy. This cold forsaken land is the sense of aging, fatalistic morbid drear of the final end. Castles are for the young who still have the capacity to fantasize that life is all there is.
Thank you Michael and Hellon for your kind words, much appreciated! :)
Larry, I was puzzled when I read the judge's comment on the messengers forum, but now I understand. It is great you got a personal meaning from my poem. I remember a few years ago, when my mum turned 65, how it affected her. She felt like her life was over. Had to do with my dad a lot as well, who always looked at very young women. You should see her now, though. Dad died and she now has a new boyfriend that adores her and makes her feel like the queen that she is!
My friend Peter is 65 as well. He retired, but only to start a new career as a writer (he is the man in my avatar). So don't despair, Larry, life is what you make of it!
About the poem: sometimes we are the only one left fighting in a relationship (forsaken land) whilst there is too little 'common ground' to make the relationship a succes anyway and we would do better to walk away and start anew.
Thanks to whomever nominated my poem and thank you Larry for voting for it:)
Congratulations Ingrid! A well deserved win.
As always, your poetry is excellent and inspiring!
I found this poem so very touching to read, makes us 65 year olds reach out and grab all that life has to offer, rather than sink into a well of despair and unfulfillment!
Not for me, allowing the shadows of darkness and sorrow to creep up on me as I go through my life, but instead, I reach out, and feel further inspired now by your poem Ingrid, as I embark on a new carreer and embrace further challenges ahead!
Let's have more of your wonderful poems Ingrid, I can't wait to see the next one! Go girl, go!
Congrats on your win, this is such a powerful piece of writing in such few lines.
"Watching grains of sand
as they slip through my fingers--
unfit for building."
^ These three lines are powerful to start the poem out with. And there is so much that can be said about them. The sand is the main part of the poem here and it is unfit for building, but why is that? It draws the readers attention well and makes you think. Did something happen? It is a great metaphor because you feel as the reader that something big is going to happen.
"Who needs castles anyway
in this cold, forsaken land?"
^ Wow these two lines are powerful within themselves. It could be saying that the land and the sand you are talking about here is a land of ruin and rubble. That was my first thought when I read this. Could it be your homeland, or war in general who knows. But I love the use of cold and forsaken here. They work well to explain the meaning behind the poem. They poem seems to be about sadness and the loss of a land and what war can really do. 5/5