I'm not a new member though, just an old member coming back after a long hiatus. Thank you for the nomination and the welcome.
4 years ago
I like what Mr. Darcy has said to you already, and I'm glad it has been nominated, but I feel as though the punctuation was awkward to me. The piece had so much rhythm on its own, without the punctuation then the little comas and periods started creeping in and almost bringing that flow to a complete stop.
Other than that, this piece is wonderful. It is a great way to start yourself off here. Nicely penned.
Ah yes, my punctuation. I usually get told that I have too many comma, I don't know why I feel the need to comma everything, but I always over comma (I'm dramatic like that). But in this particular poem, the choppy punctuation is an artistic choice. I know that can often be used as a cop-out answer, so I will explain.
The poem itself is about acceptance, growth, and reflection- the choppy punctuation is a reflection of that to some extent. The dash is used to add emphasis in specific areas and as a means for stopping while reading verbally giving it a reflective tone, the woman in the poem is reflective, she is also anxious among other things. The commas are there to put dramatic effect (again emphasis) on specific words. The ellipses at the end is a representation of the space between the then and the now "she felt the ebb and flow of change... She sits, now", it puts space between grammatically but also pertains to the space between time in the poem. I don't believe that will change your mind on the choppiness, but it's an explanation as to why it's there.
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to comment. I do appreciate the feedback.
A nice piece that flows well, and I can feel the emotion permeating thought the poem. On first read I found the ending a little abrupt... but reading it a couple more times it sat better with me.
Well done !
I've been thinking about reworking the ending now that I've sat with it for many months, but I'm not sure yet. I have such mixed feeling on that. Anyway, thanks for the read and taking the time to comment. ^^
4 years ago
Understanding comes through some pain. Lesson learned, saves a future blame. Keep thinking and don't stop inking.
Thank you, Peter! I'm happy to be back. PNQ holds a special place in my heart. (:
4 years ago
This took my breath away. The entire front and middle part of this piece I'm nodding my head, in complete agreement, whispering "me, too!". What beauty we find in feeling the connection.
But that ending. The ending here I really felt like it all just clicked for me. It seems so obvious and so simple, but when you're too close to yourself sometimes it's hard to see. Gaining wisdom from mistakes, not only is that proof of a life of chance, risk, trying, and faith...but it also means growth for those mistakes we've made that hurt people, hurt ourselves. Beautiful ah ha moment. Thank you!