I do not feel adapt to comment on your poem as I am just a simple poet... Still learning! :)
Found the note on Haikus interesting .. Also your poem Michael!! :D
And thank you so much again for your comment and help on my Haiku. It was appreciated.
2 years ago
This is one of the most interesting poems I have ever read. When I read a poem I always love learning new things and words, I didn't know there were so many different types of haikus! Poetry seems to be changing more rapidly than I can wrap my head around. There is much that I like about this poem.
The title of the poem itself is wonderfully unique and I have never really seen anything with this title in writing, so it really did pull me in, (along with the poem being a haiku). I don't really have a bad thing to say about the title itself at all. The question that pops into my mind is what do we not want to disturb?
The very first line, just one word- sleeping. Normally I personally don't like one word lines, especially when they don't add anything to the poem itself. However I do like this, ONLY because of the title and the endless possibilities it holds and the questions you have the reader asking. plus as I said it fits the title perfectly ( in fact I don't think you could have picked a better word to start with). it draws me in and makes me want to read more.
Polyanthus is the word I had to look up, and learned today so thanks for that. but flowers are cliched within poetry itself, however I actually don't see them used well in haikus much or at all really, and you picked again a perfect word within going into cliché. it fits and honestly there is nothing bad I have to say about this at all. The story you show the reader is very mysterious, and that is a very good thing because to me (the lead up) to the last line is critical in any haiku. so I am as the reader fully invested.
From reading the ending I don't think there is a more unique ending I have read (in a haiku). There is a genius in the lines you have written. so the bee is the thing you do not want to disturb while it is sleeping within the safety of a flower. (Bee) <<<< I love how you kind of make it the center of attention in the last line, and you made it in the middle of the line and act like it is sleeping in the middle of the petal. This is the kind of poem where I say I wish I wrote this. hah. But-
The one thing I did not like is the dashes, I completely understand why they are there (because it is a shape poem), but they personally distracted me and the poem a bit. just a small nitpick to an otherwise great poem.
Thanks, Jamie. Your comments are always special, sometimes more so than the poem itself. I tend to agree with you on the annoying dashes. I wanted to inject pause by offsetting the words, but this site does not allow for that kind of creativity. Darn!
Anyways, thanks again. X