Wow!!! This is so much a winner IMO and I sincerely hope to see it on the front page next week...Honestly I loved everything about the journey you took the reader through. Something for you to look at...

I shudder as the moans and cries suddenly stops. *I think it should be stop
All her relatives comes to her, whispering. *come as opposed to comes.

I loved it ...good luck :)