I loved the rap sound of this whole verse...you had a very good message here and to put it to rap really made me read right through to the end (I love rap :)). The world is very upside down or I think one sided in many ways and you conveyed that very clearly here...Loved it!
A more spoken word like piece, this. I think we can all agree with the sentiment behind it too, even if not many are willing to act on their words. The poem itself is more lyrical, and suffers a little with some forced rhyme at the beginning:
‘Where children need to stay sleeping
To escape the pain and weeping.
Is all this for real? Kids have to steal for a meal.
Sometimes I really feel like nobody gives a fu**ing deal.’
It’s a little jarring, with your syllable count. I found myself having to read a few times to get the coherence. I’m sure you have it in your head, but written down, ‘stay sleeping’ is odd, as we use ‘stay’ with states like ‘asleep’ or ‘alive’. ‘Continue’ would be a better verb, giving you more rhythmic structure to have another verb in the following line.
‘To escape the pain and weeping.’
Seems a little empty, and the verb ‘escape’ doesn’t feel right with ‘weeping’.
I must confess I’ve never heard ‘no one gives a deal.’ So I wont comment.
There are a few more lines in the poem that either feel too wordy or not detailed enough? The first and last lines in stanza 4 for example are a real mouthful.
Stanza 3 has great flow, and I feel you wrote your way into this poem. At the moment it just feels a little raw and unfinished here and there.
I liked the sentiment though. Should remind us how lucky we all are.