I wish I had a nomination spare. This is the perfect mix between tragic and beautiful. Very emotional write . . . I really can't think of anything to else to say, though this is the sort of poem I could write lines and lines about! :)
1 year ago
by Ben Pickard
It is sad, but the thinking that's gone into the formatting is lovely to behold. Well done, Star.
Right! I have returned with a far better comment now that my brain has de - frosted! I don't think I did this justice last time, lol
I'm glad to see it nominated, for one.
The opening line tells you to ' breath '. As I read the words, I found myself sighing in relaxation. It's such a calm phrase, telling you that the worst is over, we can move on now.
I love the way you've displayed the next bit, though I might have put a few more dots on ' hour ' and ' day ', because I always try and get everything even. Everything. That's where writing etherees upset me! The many ellipses that you've used are also like a deep exhale, with each line growing longer and drawing out more.
I like the fact that you didn't use capitals. It makes it more delicate . . . Like a gentle breath, almost. This is even more amazing if you were planning it all out to appear and sound like a breath!
The last bit, though, is more like a sharp inhale. The way you've put it in a square shaped format makes it more abrupt, sad, disappointed. And how you haven't put a full stop at the end, leaving it tailing off, makes it more like a lost trail of thought.
Very, very clever :)