The relationship had yet to form
Before that night when you were torn,
Ripped from my womb,
Yes you were born
But the dyad I don't get to mourn
Flickering inside my brain
Like an angry candle flame
I'm in a constant limbo
But it's not a game
I feel insane
Like a train
Going off the tracks
When do I get my baby back?
Each day I get my bag and pack
And pump and pump and snack and snack
And cry
And cry
And cry
Then hold the tears back
Just for awhile
For my daughter
I play and laugh and smile
I try
I try
I try
Then I drive
To the hospital I go again
Where I sit, and feed, and play pretend
That this doesn't kill me inside my head
To not have this child by my bed
Or in my belly
But instead
Here he lies
And barely cries
He barely knows me
I wish I knew
Wish someone had told me
That having a preemie would entrap and fold me
Inside out
I want to shout
And scream
And sob
Let my heart outpour
Onto the hospital floor
I'm torn
I'm torn
I'm torn
I love you
But I don't know you
That relationship
It never grew
When inside me
Lived you
Now beside me,
I sing, I read
I cuddle, I feed
I try to get to know
My littlest one
My baby
My flesh
My blood
My son
