Hey! This is really such an amazing poem, it's so sad this really happened and it's kinda weird to say i like the poem, but it's really good! And it's so sad, but keep the great work up.

yeah thats really sad..but really well written..good job...<3
-Mort
xxx

Good JOB sweets!!

"I hear a loud voice coming to my room,
I know he's coming towards my room because I smell his heavy perfume"

Those two lines are rhymed, but the lenght of the lines varies so much that it is hard to the reader to grasp the fact that you're rhyming them because there are so many words in between. Try making less obvious rhymes, while working on the flow. One thing that might really help the flow is if you put the same amount of syllables for each line in the stanza as the stanza before.

What I mean is something like this:

line 1- 8 syllables
line 2- 8 syllables
line 3- 6 syllables
line 4- 7 syllables.

And then as you continue, follow the pattern that you set for yourself.. I hope that made any sense. Or, you can choose not to rhyme at all.

Your poem was very sad. Especially when I saw that it had actually happened to your friend's little sister. Nice job,

Dorotea

First off, I agree with Dorotea's assesment concerning your rhyme and rhythm, it was pretty consistent, but there are some places were it varies greatly.

second, I thnk you might want to consider replacing perfume with cologne, since generally men wear cologne, and perfume gives a different connotation and denotation, but maybe you were shooting for that.

thirdly:
"He troughs me on the floor,"
it should be "threw" or "throws" depending on what tense you're looking for.

good write, but I think it can be improved given a bit of time.