Uhm... no offence, but this makes no sense to me. Okay, I'm gonna point out some flaws, please don't take them offensively:
1.) Your poem was rather long, so you might've wanted to cut that down
2.) It was actually decent until you had the self insert, saying how you created that place, and how you said you were going to kill the creator, which was you.
3.) The ending like, really really threw me off. I was like, 'okay cool' in the beginning. So, maybe you want to stick to one subject in particular? Don't start it off with a depressing tone, then move it to a lighter tone, it kind of messes things up.
But I really do like the concept, keep writing!